to love with no strings attached.
September 5, 2011 § 4 Comments
dad left yesterday night. we sat in the airport costa talking and had that coffee which we shouldn’t have had. as i left i cried a smile: i was all ready to face the world like the grown up girl i told him i would be. ha, but the very next day i have lost all defences and plunged myself into somewhere deeply painful. i could only look into the mirror and laugh at myself. WHAT A WEAKLING. you tear yourself down faster than you could ever build yourself. you give yourself out like you’ve got nothing to lose – but katsu you are wrong, cause you are not penniless. you have the richest and most meaningful things in life; and they can hurt you with their sheer preciousness. and you are deathly afraid of losing these things. the reason why people can’t have some of the best things is because they want everything, and when they want everything they mess up.
dad thank you for taking time off work to help me sort out every little corner of the house. your phone rang all the time with new jobs due to be done as soon as you are back in sg. but you brushed it all away, and planned and scrubbed and cooked for me every day. you were tired, you are not as young as before, you have your own stresses and fears, but i am always your number one priority. you waited for me while i was at school, i was out at 8 and back at 8 but you never said a thing about loneliness. every day you surprised me with a few new additions to the house. i had to drag you to buy a new pair of shoes – the only thing you got for yourself while you were here. i’m sorry i was grumpy when you tried to get a £15 dish, pretending to want it for yourself but only to give it to me. i’m sorry i let impatience get the better of me on the bus during the night of mayhem in east end, i’m sorry i hurried you to get off the bus to change to the tube, and when you tried to step down from the upper deck you lost your footing and almost rolled down the stairs and knocked your head against the wall. it hurt me so much to hear you say ‘it’s ok! it’s not painful at all‘ – i wish i could be the one rolling down and take the pain away from you. yet despite all your efforts, i had my mind on someone else. it’s always like that isn’t it: you never miss anything before it’s gone.
i wish i were a better daughter. more caring, more obedient, more outstanding. but really, is there anything in this world that could pay for unconditional love like this? who could love truly with no strings attached?