50/50

October 3, 2011 § 1 Comment

favourite boy’s got ‘spinal cancer’. wont it be awesome to have him for my oncology project?

really want to watch this one please open in cinema soon!!!

when in doubt, put on your LBD

October 1, 2011 § 4 Comments

... and you will feel like a million pounds.

yay for all the little black dresses in the world!

haemo…goblin?

September 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

it’s one of those rare days that i have absolutely NOTHING timetabled at all. the old me would have retreated to the sofa to assume the life of a man-sized slug, but the new me happily volunteered to attend the optional renal clinic at the royal free. what else could i have done, daughter of the nephrologist?? c: it’s time to make friends with the nephrons: since there are millions of them, i should get really popular by the end of it, huh? so 4 whole hours and 24 patients later, i emerged from the consultation room, utterly saturated with…pee. don’t get me wrong, the session cannot be more fruitful – it’s just that i need to dutifully monitor my ‘waterworks’ since most kidney-pathies are asymptomatic until they reach the irreversible stages.

the doctor that we were attached to for the whole afternoon is INCREDIBLY energetic, efficient and um, reasonably handsome. i suppose this is important cause you don’t want to listen to a sorry-looking bloke blabber for 4 hours on end. it was almost entertainment as he tried to un-jargon the conversations with patients (e.g. diuretics became ‘water tablets’). how on earth do you explain to 91-year-olds that a raised creatinine level suggests reduced kidney function? or the concept of eGFR? or to a exclusively Portuguese speaking lady on how to manage autosomal dominant polycystic kidneys? incredible. at one point of time the doctor was attempting to convince an anaemic old gentleman that he needs EPO supplements to improve his Hb levels – and when the slightly confused patient insisted on calling those things ‘haemogoblins’, he simply smiled and continued the conversation, carefully replacing all mentions of haemoglobins with haemogoblins.

i guess for me, the practice of medicine is not just a scientific endeavour but more of a continuous relationship building process. there’s so much to be learned from patients – and every single one of them is unique. the efficacy of treatment/interventions depends heavily on a complete understanding of the patient in his or her own life’s context. though i am not a proponent of the ‘paternalistic’ doctor-patient relationship, i actually developed a curious sense of respect for the doctor when he transformed from his usual jolly self, and adopted a hard-line, disappointed-father-scolding-his-misbehaving-child approach to a non-compliant patient. it’s so magical. there are no definite rights or wrongs. no blueprints to success. it’s true, and perhaps inevitable that many grow tired of this profession as time goes by, no matter how inspired/ready-to-make-a-difference you are when you first graduate. but medicine is not and should not be mundane, routine or predictive. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW. it’s just that most people don’t look hard enough for that spark. insensitised by the thousands of patients they see in their careers, doctors often become jaded and cynical, which is really tragic. i most certainly don’t want to end up like that :(

*

p.s. thumbs up to the stagnating apparel division of M&S for employing Ryan Reynolds and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley! who knew that sensible wear for the middle-aged could be this chic? let’s just hope that consumers don’t find these ambassadors too out-of-place and boycott the brand – but then again customers of fashion are usually on the stupid, impulsive side and they’d willingly spend a couple hundred pounds just to look like their favourite stars, in all remoteness.

ryan&rosie for M&S!

p.p.s. i love carrying backpacks to clinics.

p.p.p.s. yes yes i know this post is getting way too wordy, promise there will be no nonsense from me for a while – but Annalynne McCord from 90210 (stupid name for a TV series but WHO CARES?) is way too hot and I CAN’T STOP PERVING HER :(

SO HOT!!!

SO FIT!!!

…and there’s no turning back.

September 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

missed the first half-hour lecture this morning despite my good efforts to get into the tube 40mins in advance, thanks to unexpected expected northern line tantrums. turned out that the professor who delivered the opening speech of our formal clinical attachments was one hell of an inspiring guy. he reportedly mounted the first few rows of tables in the lecture theatre, while spewing coarsely-phrased motivational messages. i managed to glean a couple of useful things that he told the students from my friends after i stumbled into the room in his wake.

the gist (heavily rephrased):

the three remaining years in medical school will not be easy peasy, and you need to go out of your way to make them shine. you’ve made the decision to go into medicine – honour it, MAKE IT WORK. MAKE IT WORK MAGIC. don’t flail your useless floppy limbs and say it’s too tough, there are NO EXCUSES to put in anything short of the best. STICK TO YOUR DECISIONS, start with hopes and finish with fireworks – if not you are a damned pathetic wuss. don’t even dare to complain. what were you saying? life is unfair? ABS. who ever told you that LIFE IS FAIR? work with what you’ve got. make the best of everything.

*

perhaps the recent things that happened in my life made this message resonate ever so powerfully. perhaps it’s the metaphorical start of a new life today that made me want to overturn all the tables and throw out all the rules. true courage only comes when you can put behind all the things that have been hurled at you in unfairness. SO WHAT? so what if people trip you over once in a while? ARE YOU A WUSS? stand up, move away, and RUN FASTER. no time to stop and seek justice from the unworthy. don’t even think about it twice. win the final race, and everyth will be justified.

some people can’t stick to the decisions they make. some people have no constance in their hearts. don’t bother with them. wish them well, and DO YOUR THANG. ON YOUR OWN. medicine is beautiful – go on, LOVE IT. love it and possess it like never before. water it with steadfastness and it will blossom for you, one day.

 

you are not anonymous

September 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

I don’t think I ever hesitated to show you off. (you can look back to the posts) And I was genuinely proud of you then, and now.

Arm wrestle one day – I want to see who’s grown stronger :)

he’s just NOT that into you!!!

September 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

first time in my life i told everyone outright that i have had a thoroughly rotten week. didn’t even bother with all those rosy pretensions. i think one of my fatal flaws is that i always like to dress everything up in the prettiest colours no matter how crazy they are underneath it all. but i guess i’m slowly but surely learning to breathe again. when things have reached the abyss, there’s only one way to go, and i’m going UP. colourful balloons or not. what’s the point of feeling sorry? what’s the point of wishing in vain to turn back time? you should never wallow that long cause life is not interested in waiting for you. so girl it’s time to stand up and stand tall. there’s not a single thing she has that you don’t – you have more, much more. you should never lose your right to SMILE – it is the most powerful thing ever and no one can take it away from you.

and thank you for the advice. Happier. Prettier. Fitter.

find me out in the sun, a brand new bao.

haha the one and only photo, from the good times.

to love with no strings attached.

September 5, 2011 § 4 Comments

dad left yesterday night. we sat in the airport costa talking and had that coffee which we shouldn’t have had. as i left i cried a smile: i was all ready to face the world like the grown up girl i told him i would be. ha, but the very next day i have lost all defences and plunged myself into somewhere deeply painful. i could only look into the mirror and laugh at myself. WHAT A WEAKLING. you tear yourself down faster than you could ever build yourself. you give yourself out like you’ve got nothing to lose – but katsu you are wrong, cause you are not penniless. you have the richest and most meaningful things in life; and they can hurt you with their sheer preciousness. and you are deathly afraid of losing these things. the reason why people can’t have some of the best things is because they want everything, and when they want everything they mess up.

*

dad thank you for taking time off work to help me sort out every little corner of the house. your phone rang all the time with new jobs due to be done as soon as you are back in sg. but you brushed it all away, and planned and scrubbed and cooked for me every day. you were tired, you are not as young as before, you have your own stresses and fears, but i am always your number one priority. you waited for me while i was at school, i was out at 8 and back at 8 but you never said a thing about loneliness. every day you surprised me with a few new additions to the house. i had to drag you to buy a new pair of shoes – the only thing you got for yourself while you were here. i’m sorry i was grumpy when you tried to get a £15 dish, pretending to want it for yourself but only to give it to me. i’m sorry i let impatience get the better of me on the bus during the night of mayhem in east end, i’m sorry i hurried you to get off the bus to change to the tube, and when you tried to step down from the upper deck you lost your footing and almost rolled down the stairs and knocked your head against the wall. it hurt me so much to hear you say ‘it’s ok! it’s not painful at all‘ – i wish i could be the one rolling down and take the pain away from you. yet despite all your efforts, i had my mind on someone else. it’s always like that isn’t it: you never miss anything before it’s gone.

i wish i were a better daughter. more caring, more obedient, more outstanding. but really, is there anything in this world that could pay for unconditional love like this? who could love truly with no strings attached?

i know that sorries are too often late and abused. but i still have to say it. and more importantly thank you dad - your love has and will give me courage and strength. if you knew that your Bao was this sad today, you would have left everyth behind and flown back at once - but i won't let that happen. I've got to learn how to ride the rolling hills of life on my own.